@ilovepie84

My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus

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@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

@kashanacauley

The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.

@Reverend_Scott

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

@heyevergreen

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

@catstronomical

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

@CrazyUncIeJoe

How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.

@monicaheisey

i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan

@yoyoha

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.

@heyitsJudeD

me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*