I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
oppen heimer style lol
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”