My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can’t even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus

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Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.


The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.


Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.


Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.


It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.


How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg*, ” Wiggle*, *Wiggle*, *twerk*, *Jump*, *Jump*, *Squat*, *Stretch* Done.


i watched a bunch of spy movies and developed this extremely accurate FBI floorplan


Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.


me: *quarantines self*

*runs out of wine*

me: *unquarantines self*