My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
accurate
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”