my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.