my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’m putting together a team
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.