If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report
What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.