@heatherlou_

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

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@deegeemindi

If someone got my name tattooed on them I’d break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.

@_troyjohnson

Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”

@jakehightower34

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

@goofballbirkla

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

@TheDailyManning

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

@Cheeseboy22

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@_elvishpresley_

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

@momTruthBomb

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.