My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Sounds like a bargain
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail