My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

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One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there


My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen


[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*


Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.


look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved


*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising


My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.


Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat

Schrödinger: Or do I?