One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
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My 5th grade teacher said my life would never be worth anything but my wife paid a homeless man $3 to kill me so suck it Mrs. Jacobsen
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Don’t mind me. Just over here shaking my phone like a Magic 8-Ball, trying to get the screen to rotate back.
look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved
What a night
And a text? Killing it
ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Her: I don’t believe in casual sex.
Me: I’ll wear a suit.
Now picture me using proper grammar