(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
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[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
#merica
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Cat is stressing him out.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
My wedding will be open casket.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.