My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake