Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Me *dying*: Tell my wife I like like her
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.