@danadonly

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

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@DBMaxP

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@Shadrach451

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

@chuuew

[Justice League HQ]

SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight

MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes

@AimeeHelene1

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

@patnelke

Let my son leave the house today wearing a striped shirt and plaid shorts. I’m done, he’s natural selections problem now.