My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Just say no
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.