“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
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Do you wanna hold hands?
– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]
sorry this might take a while…
How many calories are in Twitter beef?