My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

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Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very


I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.


I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.


24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?


Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced


I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It’s exhausting. Send bleach.


Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.


Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.


I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.