My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

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“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive


Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.


Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.


My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence


confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?


Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.


Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”


sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…