My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
You Might Also Like
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
You better watch out
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
i hope my email finds you on fire
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
How to woo a woman
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.