@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

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@laughandrun

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant

@OBiiieeee

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

@justaride

please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS

@Dis0beyJay

[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training

@Swan_Corleone2

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

@candyflippin

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

@MyNameIsPappyG

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

@JessicaVarsity

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

@anniealone23

So you’re into the “bad boy” type? The kind who has a dark side, a tough childhood, breaks the law, everyone knows his name but dare not speak it, could use a nose job and a manicure?
Yeah, that’s Voldemort. You’re into Voldemort.