my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.