My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked