@lize_tagge

My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…

My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…

- @lize_tagge

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@omerwahaj

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

@thatdutchperson

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

@thenatewolf

HER: it’s so romantic when the power goes out

ME: listen if we don’t eat all this ground beef we’ll have to throw it out

@SarahB_D

You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@DudeImShawn

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

@myonlymizztake

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

@EndhooS

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

@VerifiedDrunk

Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .