My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…

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Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.


Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date


We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable


Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”


You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?


hmmm if I had to pick my favorite Charcter from Jurassic park I’d have to say it would be, the dinosaurs


Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.


[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you


“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut


You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.