@lize_tagge

My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…

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@Rollinintheseat

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

@angelunatic_

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

@MarylandMudflap

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

@LurkAtHomeMom

You ran a 5k? Like on purpose or do you just have a lot of bees in your neighborhood?

@hippieswordfish

hmmm if I had to pick my favorite Charcter from Jurassic park I’d have to say it would be, the dinosaurs

@That_Damn_Duck

Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.

@tiemoose

[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you

@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.