Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
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I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
put ‘er there pardner!
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes