My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
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I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off