@flaskofwhiskeyy

My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.

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@jonnysun

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

@SergioValenCo

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

@Carmensadie

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

@brunopieroni

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

@Thynebear

[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.

@Average_Dad1

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

@LaziestCanine

[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette

@RadioPatrick

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

@SarahFemme

I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.