My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.

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joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno


Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.


I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless


Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”


[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.


What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none


[sprains my ankle]
Doc: does it hurt when you put pressure on it?
Me: Let me check
Me: [to ankle] c’mon dude try it, it’s only one cigarette


My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”


I got a free wallet and watch today. It’s like this gun is magic.