My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.