@TheRolo
@Maxine12333
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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@Maxine12333
@mallaidhanne
if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life
@LindaInDisguise
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
@drewjanda
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
@WGladstone
My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
@LoveNLunchmeat
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
@Jamberee13
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
@RoosterMustache
Me: u can walk around without shoes
Teacher: right
Me: but after a while it hurts your feet
Teacher: ok
Me: so time wounds all the heels
@sonictyrant
Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery
[Later]
Me: *gestures at kid* Well?
Wife: i meant the hamster
@kumailn
And on the 8th day, He said “Oh I’ll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!”