My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.


if any only children have ever wondered what it’s like to have siblings, I just passed two little kids in their yard “sword” fighting, and the younger sibling had a branch, and the older sibling had an entire shovel. It’s just that for your whole life


I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.


Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty


My 6 yr old asked me if “satire” is like a “flat tire.” I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.


You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.


Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter


Me: u can walk around without shoes

Teacher: right

Me: but after a while it hurts your feet

Teacher: ok

Me: so time wounds all the heels


Wife: Timmy’s hamster Mr Fuzzy died this morning and we have to replace him before he gets back from nursery


Me: *gestures at kid* Well?

Wife: i meant the hamster


And on the 8th day, He said “Oh I’ll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!”