My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.

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[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”


Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.


Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.


When I’m sad I drive over to Keanu Reeve’s house and watch him check the mailbox for scripts.


Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:


My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with


Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!


That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…