@Divergentmama

My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.

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@carlyken

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

@Swishergirl24

The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.

@kumailn

So is tomorrow the day Trump & all his supporters say “April Fools!” & we get our country back?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

@JennyJohnsonHi5

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

@GASmithIV

Like Rachel Dolezal, I too have been pretending to be something I’m not. For years, I’ve pretended to be white, when I’m actually a ladder.

@Jenn_H_Scott

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

@MommaUnfiltered

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

@slimmy_shady

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.