tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
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You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.