My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
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I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
2 years later
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie