@BigBagOfScum

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

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@SamuelHLowe

– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?

@nayele18maybe

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

@ComedicBust

[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..

@thatUPSdude

Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.

@SkylarMarshai

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

@JediGigi

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

@mostunladylike

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

@Dawn_M_

My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.