My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

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– Baby, I can’t sleep.
– And it was pissing you off that I could?


I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.


[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..


Boss: Are you done with those reports yet?

Me: Can you stop hovering over me?

Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack]

Me: Much better.


Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.


Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.


Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped


My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.