@TravLeBlanc

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

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@mjkspeaks

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

@Pirate_nurse

Well, Norah on FB has decided to continue her thankfulness through December and I have decided to key her car after dinner

@geowizzacist

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

@GrandadJFreeman

Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol

@BoogTweets

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

@MissSassy_Pants

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.