My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

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*at confessional*

Priest: ‘Really? For a Klondike Bar??’

Me: ‘I know…it’s pretty sick.’


In episode #394 of “Toddler or Drunk?”

– wanted to pee on the floor

– cried because he wasn’t allowed to pee on the floor

– insisted he didn’t have to pee when offered a toilet

– irrationally angry because he did, in fact, need to pee and it happened in a toilet


I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.



The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says “Happy Birthday” and you say “Thanks you too!”


accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”


[First date & I’m super nervous]
Her: Are you ok?
Me: yesh.
Her: did u just say yesh?
Me: um Nosh.


if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that


When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.


Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.