Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.