my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
How I’d get arrested…
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Only a mother’s love …
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.