@johnfreiler

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

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@dougbies

I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like

@datguyryry

[The year was 2050]

“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”

“There was a time when this was illegal you know”

@ehdannyboy

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

@N0vAsko

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

@RyanHolmquist

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@sad_tree

Lettuce is like that friend you only hang out with in a group with other friends.

“Hang out? Who else is coming?Ham? Great. I’ll be there.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

@Tups13

The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.