My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
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Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.