My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley