@EmberToAsh

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

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@WilliamAder

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

@roxiqt

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

@mrjohndarby

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

@DebHawk12

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

@Cnelson019Carol

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

@Kateness8

If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened

1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am

2: you died

@jaycaspiankang

when we are all singing quarantine songs with our neighbors in 6 weeks or so, please remember good karaoke etiquette. No songs over 3.5 minutes, fully commit and don’t do the “haha I’m so bad” thing, and please avoid “total eclipse of the heart”