My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
A man of commitment.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.