My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
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I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I will never stop laughing at this
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
these two trucks have the same bed length
what are they serving at kfc then???
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
seems fine
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.