@DirtMcTurd

My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday

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@thenatewolf

What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.

@Cpin42

Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.

@Stap_Jr

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

@TheToddWilliams

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

@aaronneedshelp

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

@JenKatWrites

You know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats. Not only does every cat know they’re a cat, I think every cat believes firmly, with conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.

@JediGigi

Her: I’m really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@robfee

Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.