My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday

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What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.


Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.


The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.


Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…


were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal


[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”


You know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats. Not only does every cat know they’re a cat, I think every cat believes firmly, with conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.


Her: I’m really upset. I need some sound advice from my smart and trusted friend.
Me: [mouthful of Doritos] Who dat gonna be?


I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”


Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I’m not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms.