One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet