Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Squirrels before girls.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
ok like just. call me at this point
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
reduce, reuse, recycle
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.