The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The Assassin.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.