[karate sign up table]
“Ok guys with a ponytail or that are named Vince please form a second line you are the advanced class”
My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.
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Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
chick-fil-a employee: it is my pleasure to serve you
me: [out of breath] how are you so good at tennis
“Just saw this! I’d love to go to dinner!”
Him: That was 3 years ago, I have a wife & kid now.
“Bring ’em! Sister Wives is my jam!”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I’m a slow runner unless I think I left my phone unlocked in the next room, in which case I’m Usain Bolt.
Blossom: So you like that?
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever