Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: You will see this less often
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.