@chuuew

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

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@twayne1010

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

@JermHimselfish

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

@simoncholland

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

@TheToddWilliams

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

@Bexdora

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: And a trillion dollars.

GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.

HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.

GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?

HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.

GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.

@heatherlou_

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.