@twayne1010 Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
@chuuew My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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@twayne1010 
@JermHimselfish Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
@sarcasticmommy4 If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
@simoncholland Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
@TheToddWilliams TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
@Bexdora JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
@WilliamAder No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
@TheAndrewNadeau HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
@wordmancopy “Morning, how was your weekend?”
@heatherlou_ Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.