@TheCatWhisprer I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
@chuuew My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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@TheCatWhisprer 
@aamazzaferro Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
@T_Bonezzz_ Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
@AndrewNadeau0 Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
@mochanya My neighbors listen to awesome music whether they like it or not.
@antifatwa Incredible customer service.
@tweetsbyrocket therapist: u suffer from social isolation
me: oh no
therapist: you just need to talk to people
me: OH NO
@better_off_dad ‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
@iwearaonesie [leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign