@chuuew

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

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@fro_vo

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@SardonicTart

I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.

@cravin4

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

@Matt_The_1st

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

@BalakrishnanR

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

@KentWGraham

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

@SondraDeeMe

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.