My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
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mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.