My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁

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I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground


If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”


I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.


My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.


Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.


Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!

How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm


Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.