I’ve been stealing retainers and throwing them in a swamp so that in 1000 or so year archeologists think it’s an ancient nerd burial ground
My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁
You Might Also Like
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I can’t make you love me but I can tie you up and feed you until you’re too fat to be loved by anyone else.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
That’s exactly what harmful coconut water would say.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Every chick magazine ever:
You’re beautiful and are perfect just the way you are!
How to loose ten pounds in ten days you fat, ugly cow.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.