@sageboggs

My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead ๐Ÿ™

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@SteveDutzy

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

@looktothepickle

Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..

*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!

@KalvinMacleod

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

@bornmiserable

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

@MumInBits

My 3yo said โ€˜mummyโ€™ 6,358 times today and I canโ€™t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

@MumInBits

Please spare a thought for my 3yo who today discovered the lemon muffins she asked me to bake taste of actual lemon and not chocolate

@aPunch2theJunk

I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”

I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.

If something oozes, it’s probably infected.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@realfunghi

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

@JWilsonGA

I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.