Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My friends & I were taking shots every time Trump interrupted Clinton. My BFF Chad is dead 🙁
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Girl, tonight I’m gonna let my body do all the talking..
*squishes flab together to make a mouth out of my bellybutton* HELLOOO! LA LA LAA!
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Please spare a thought for my 3yo who today discovered the lemon muffins she asked me to bake taste of actual lemon and not chocolate
I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”
I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.
If something oozes, it’s probably infected.
Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I don’t know what “swag” is, but I was just told Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it. So, I’m assuming it’s not talent.