Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Velcrow
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.