My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
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Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Oh hi lol
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.