My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.