My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
You Might Also Like
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I finally found a reason to live again.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.