Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@BrownDogBlanket

I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.

Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.

Your move Vegans

@yonewt

the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever

@AwkwardCanBSexy

I’ll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.

@squirrel74wkgn

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

@EternalDago

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

@junejuly12

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

@tweetarded1

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

@justabloodygame

Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.

@tayandmae

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

@andypatton

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.