My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

You Might Also Like


If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved


Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.


I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.


him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move


My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?


Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.


“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”


Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?


[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]