@Swishergirl24

My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.

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@AndyRichter

If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved

@SkippyMcGizzard

Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.

@heatherlou_

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

@Chhapiness

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

@Moldy_Jellybean

Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.

@thenatewolf

“You are terrible at metaphors.”

“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”

@beefman138

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]