I started an organization for the ethical treatment of plants.
Because we shouldn’t eat the things that make oxygen.
Your move Vegans
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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the crows and the ducks are having a turf war in my backyard it’s like the squawkiest version of west side story ever
I’ll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Only as the condor bore me & my guitar away in its talons did I realize the crowd’s cries of “Free Bird!” were not a request, but a warning.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.