If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
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Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
“You are terrible at metaphors.”
“Wow. Jealousy is a bad moustache on you.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]