When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
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COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.