My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
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[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I’ll be mad as hell!
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
When someone says you are so lazy
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
also my go-to takeaway order
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA