My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 馃檪
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It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he鈥檚 a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I鈥檓 a drug dealer
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I Just found out there鈥檚 an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: 鈥are.
Lmaooo she has seen it all馃槶馃槶馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I used my husband鈥檚 shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they鈥檙e so shady
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you鈥檙e on the phone speaking to someone else.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles