Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Best mom ever 😂
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?