ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
You Might Also Like
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
But is it really??
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)