@tomgara

My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”

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@KKAlThani

My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn’t understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.

@TheSuperiorPink

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

@BrianIncognito

I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *

@SarcasticSadOne

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

@mid_sommar

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

@sarcasticmommy4

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

@XplodingUnicorn

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

@Karissajem

Me: I have a memory like an elephant.
Him: Elephants get drunk all the time and forget everything too?
Me: Yes.