Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Husband of the year 😂
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.