Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
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Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”