@IamJackBoot: Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close. "I'm not sure how long this ride will last so I've decided to take a lover."

@markedly: Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time* Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

@tsm560: I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that's a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.

@CaptPinkbeard: TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn't surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other's name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets? BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

@AmishPornStar1: "Be nice to everyone... You never know who might have a pool." -Mahatma Gandhi