My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
@ candidates for local office
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”