Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@stephenjmolloy

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

@andrewmonea

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

@jonnysun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

@smhsid

i just watched a girl in class look confused during the lecture then literally open up her laptop and change her major

@david8hughes

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

@caliluvgirl77

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

@boozemunkee

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

@Kennedydp5

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes