My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

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why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt


ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself


Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!


Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no


My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?


Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.


*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*


A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her


Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god


Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming