Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ShortSleeveSuit

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

@MarfSalvador

Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me

Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!

@sonictyrant

Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no

@SteevUmc

My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?

@unmehlievable

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

@texasstalkermom

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

@ComedicBust

*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@LuvPug

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

@InternetHippo

Me: An emotionally fulfilling job that also pays enough to live on
Genie: Listen buddy I’m not god

@rkatz94

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming