My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*