My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible