@shutupmikeginn

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

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@AngryRaccoon2

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

@adult_keverage

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

@LizHackett

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

@gurl_sour

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

@MyNameIsArchaic

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!

@Smooheed

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

@NewDadNotes

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

@GianDoh

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

@shopkins776

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible