[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
A great tip. #CakeRex
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
thank god
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN